The Barbarian

Barbaric.
bar·bar·ic/bärˈberik/adjective. 1. savagely cruel; exceedingly brutal 2. primitive; unsophisticated.

Barbaric is the exactly what J was. I had met J on Fling a few years ago, and had sex with him twice. I would’ve enjoyed him more if he hadn’t been such a neanderthal. But, that could’ve also partially been my fault for his behavior. During our introduction chat, which primarily consisted of what we liked and what we didn’t like in the bedroom, I had mentioned that I loved it rough, I liked to be spanked, choked and that I actually enjoyed anal a lot. These are qualities a lot of men seem to enjoy in a woman. I can actually be quite submissive in the bedroom, which is very unlikely of a person born under the Leo sign. But I can only be so submissive, I still have my limits.

J is one of the very few men that I actually invited into my apartment. When he got there it was kinda chill, I thought maybe we could talk on my couch and chill for a little bit, but nope he went straight to undressing me and kissing me, which shocked the hell out of me. We moved it into my bedroom, where he pushed me onto my bed, climbed on top of me so that his dick was hovering over my face. He shoved his dick in my mouth and that was the start of 10 most brutal minutes of my life. He roughly fucked my mouth for several minutes, ignoring my choking and gagging, several times I had tried to tap out yet he still continued. When i finally got a chance to breathe, he was standing on my bed and pulled me to my knees, where he continued with my mouth. He’d pause for a few seconds pulling himself out and then in porn fashion slapped his dick on my tongue, lips and face.  After a minute or so he pushed me back onto the bed and dragged me to the edge so that my head was hanging over the side. He shoved his dick in my mouth again and proceeded to bang my mouth…in this position I felt extremely vulnerable as I couldn’t see what else he was doing to me since his balls were smacking me in the face.

I had shut my legs closed hoping he wouldn’t try to go down on me in a 69 position, since I don’t like being eaten out. But next thing I know he had forced my legs open and stuck his fingers in me, slightly rubbing my clit which felt good for a split second, till I felt his other hand down near my vagina too, and it felt so weird, spreading me open to get a good look at me. The more I tried to tap out and protest, but was totally muffled. He kept doing this till he came in my mouth, which left me dazed on my bed as he excused himself to my bathroom to clean up. After he cleaned up, and I got dressed, I thought maybe he’d hang out, but he said he had to go, which was kind of a relief, but I totally felt used.

I tried avoiding his messages the next few weeks, but he had been dying to see me again. I decided to give him a second chance, hopefully it wouldn’t be so bad the next time around. But I was all kinds of wrong.

The second time I saw J, it was worse. After he had gotten started with my mouth he pushed me onto my bed and stuck it into my ass without warning. I wasn’t prepped or ready for anal, so it hurt like a bitch. I tried to pull away from him, but that kind of made it worse. He thought I was playing hard to get, but it hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I remember telling him to stop, that it hurt. But he ignored me again saying that he was almost there. At that point he pulled out and pulled me up and pulled my hair back, and right as I was about to say no, he stuck it in my mouth. I had never done ass to mouth and I had never intended to do ass to mouth, it’s the least ideal of my fantasies. I gagged a lot, like dry heave gagging as he continued to do it.  But, he kept at it till he finished. After he finished he again went to my bathroom to clean up, and I ran to my kitchen sink to wash my mouth. After he left, I went to my bathroom to fully brush and rinse my mouth and realized in washing himself, not only did he make a mess of splashing water on every surface possible he had used the decorative towels on my shower door to clean himself up.

After I showered and tried to scrub all the dirtiness off of me, I went back to my room and stripped down my bed, and threw everything in the washer, along with my decorative towels. As I was doing my laundry in full disbelief that I had actually thought it’d be better with the second chance, I couldn’t help but start to laugh as I stared at the damn decorative towels with the pretty tassels. I don’t know if it was a mental break due to what just happened, but I was laughing with this dark humored undertone, laughing like I was crazy. I was laughing at myself because I was sitting there more appalled at the fact this guy had used the fucking decorative towels, than what had just occurred int that room. I mean, who uses those towels when there was a pile of regular towels in plain sight. I mean where’s your sense of class? Maybe some manners? Who uses the towels with tassels on them!? He legit undid the decorative rope around these towels to use it, WTF!?

Okay okay, so yeah sure I was upset over the way he had handled me in the bedroom. The towel’s was just a reactionary thing to subdue the real shit I was feeling under it all. I mean there was nothing sexy about our hook ups at all, I was basically used and abused, nothing about that was meant to get me off. It was just a selfish act, and I was just a doll to him. I mean, sure I like the idea of being someones fuck toy/doll, but not just to be tossed aside after their intended use. (More on that ideal in another post). Needless to say, I stopped answering his texts and calls after that. There was just no way in hell I was going to endure another 10-20 minutes of that kind of abuse. But, because I had started to ignore his calls, I was actually afraid he was going to show up at my apartment complex one day when I least expected it. This is actually one of the main reasons why I prefer the male to host over me, just because at least if I didn’t enjoy it, they could never track me down if I decide to vanish. But luckily he wasn’t the type (or so I hope) or maybe he just didn’t think to save my address or something, either way I lucked out after.

I don’t often share stories about J, because it’s the closest to rape I’ve ever experienced. I was scared, and felt powerless to make him stop. I was also angry at myself for not being more forceful in making him stop. It made me realize how passive I was and how weak it made me look. I had to learn the hard way to set boundaries with people. My body is my temple, and I shouldn’t let anyone violate me how they want just so they can get off. I also learned not to be so open with what I love in the bedroom till I know for sure they wouldn’t take advantage, or that at least I’m certain they understand the different levels of rough, pain/pleasure that I’m looking for when spanking or choking, hair pulling is involved.

So thats The Barbarian. The only experience I can say was one of the hardest/roughest to come out of, but not the worst. The worst, I kind of just laugh about it…but then I guess I’ve had a few worse than this, but both still laughable, but thats another chapter in this crazy second life I have.

Catfish’d

This is a story, like many of my other stories, of lust, love and heartbreak. And as per usual it’s an extension of my digital world.

A few years ago I met a boy on an iPhone app. I can’t recall the name of the app, and I’m pretty sure it no longer exists. Part of me thinks it was the app “twinkle” which was almost like being in a chatroom on your phone. He was quite cute and my usual type, a white boy. We started talking everyday, found our mutual love of cars and of course sex. We ended up sexting a lot, and then that progressed into phone sex. It became a routine every night, but it was hotter every time we did it.

On top of that, we got to know each other on a deeper level, called every chance we got, texted each other songs to listen to. Eventually I started to feel attachment. We both started to feel attachment. I know it’s odd to feel attachment to someone you’ve never met in person let alone seen in more than one picture, but it happened. He knew I had trust issues, and letting my walls come down, but he was determined to break through, and he did. It was strange, but we ended up falling for each other, and I really mean falling in love. I know the idea is ludicrous, but I know what I felt was real.

One day, we were joking around on the phone, and he threw out a silly joke saying, “would you date me still if I was Asian.” And in a joking tone, “Nah, I wouldn’t, I don’t date Asians”, even though I knew that was the truth. But I wasn’t expecting the next half of our conversation, he went dead silent. I kept joking “saying why are you so quiet, you’re not asian.”….then it hit me. The picture I had seen wasn’t his. Long story short, his friend had been using his phone and this app to talk to me initially. But when he gave the phone back, he continued to talk to me. He apologized saying he never knew it would turn out the way that it did. It was an eye opener, and to my surprise I still cared about him and still loved him. I kept trying to prove that I didn’t care about race or ethnicity. But he shut me out completely after that, I was devastated. I held on for a long time thinking it’d get better but I never got a response. To be honest I held on for a year hoping he’d come around, a stupid move on my part, but I didn’t want to give up, because that’s not who I am. He was the next guy I actually “loved” after my ex B.

Love isn’t something I give out so easily, especially after B.

Flash forward to this year.  He started texting me out of the blue. After all that I went through trying to get through to him, and being in love with him I became indifferent because my pleas had been ignored. He thought he could just waltz back into my life as if that didn’t happen. He’s been trying to be my friend to make up for all pain he caused, and believe me I’ve tried to forgive and forget, but today was the final straw.

He was trying to tell me about a new girl he was dating, and I expressed an interest because he wanted to talk about it.  But then he stopped sharing information because I wouldn’t open up about my own stuff to him. I told him that it didn’t matter to me anyways, so I didn’t feel obligated to share anything about my life with him. He said, “you never care lol” I said “no offense, but you know why”

He said “why, actually i don’t” to which i replied “you disappeared, you broke my heart so…explain why I should care about what you share with me?” and he said, “Aw I did not, you don’t even like Asian guys”…..that hit a sore spot. My temper flared hotter than ever before.  How dare he joke around with that; to belittle my feelings as if what I felt wasn’t real. He didn’t even acknowledge the fact I even said “I love you” and I said it pretty frequently. He completely disregarded the honesty I was giving him by joking around, I told him how fucked it was for him to completely disregard my feelings, because I didn’t stop loving him when I found out, I wanted to try. It was new to me, I wanted to see where it went, but it never even happened because he got too caught up with the issue to even try, he just left me.

I believe in giving people second chances. Even though half the time it comes back to bite me in the ass, and hurts me more in the end. It’s one of my many flaws. But is it a weakness? No, I don’t think it’s a weakness. I think it takes courage to be able to forgive and to move on. But times like these, there are no second chances.

Each time I go through a devastating blow like this….a blow to my emotions, my ego, and especially my heart, I feel the walls around me build even higher. It sometimes feels like my heart is growing cold and my emotions are going numb. This idea of love seems so out of reach, almost intangible really.

But still I keep hope going, because as a romantic at heart, it has to be out there. Someday, some time, not sure when, but I’ll meet someone who can break all those barriers and more. Someone that shows me what it’s like to truly be loved, cared for and respected. Someone who can thaw this frozen heart, and bring my feelings back to life. It’s a long time coming, but who ever it is, I’m sure they’ll be worth the wait.

Tinder

Tinder. That delightful little app that allows you to anonymously swipe left or swipe right for the people you would be interested in. Mostly used as a hook up app, but also linked to your facebook account, I was hesitant to use it due to how low key I am about my sex life. The moment I learned that it was linked to Facebook, I figured I would stay away.  But one of my closest friends who actually does know about my internet escapades and actually does it too suggested I should give it a try since I moved back to the bay area, so I figured I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.

I’ve been doing the whole internet hook-up and meeting offline for a really long time. Call me out of the loop or old-fashioned in terms of meeting people offline, but I couldn’t get over how fast things moved on Tinder.  At least on websites like Fling and Adultfriendfinder, you would chat a few days and get a feel for the person before you decided you would meet the person. However, on Tinder it just happened so fast, you’d start with the pleasantries and then bam they’re asking you to meet right that second for sex. I’m all for fun and sex but, a random hook up without conversation doesn’t appeal to me.  I’ve already met a few weirdo’s on Tinder, and I’m just so glad I never met them in person. On the other hand, I have met a few people on Tinder that I’d be interested in meeting in person with, but they happen to be flaky as hell too. It seems I can never catch a break on Tinder.

With that being said, instead of using Tinder as my hookup app, I’ve decided to downgrade it to an app I use to meet new texting buddies and friends, since it doesn’t seem like a lot of people are actually interested in meeting so far.  I’ve already reverted back to Fling, which I’ve found to be the more reliable site for me in terms of meeting someone I could potentially have a FWB type relationship.  Again, there are hits and misses there too, but at least there I know for sure I’ll meet someone and am comfortable with the level of communication needed there before I decide to exchange numbers and meet with someone.

The Hockey Player, Part III – The Final Chapter

I decided to end things with The Hockey Player last September; it didn’t end very well. I didn’t realize how emotional I would be…goes to show that I actually did care about him a lot.  I had to explain why I was ending things, my unhappiness at his lack of interest in me outside of the bedroom, and most importantly the lack of wanting to know anything about me.

He kept asking for another chance.  I told him as friends yes, but anything past that was not going to happen anymore.  He promised he’d be a better friend and I was skeptical.  Over the course of 6 months it was an empty promise where he kept saying we would hang out, go out to dinner,  a movie, etc.  But it never happened; but at the same time, I knew better than to get my hopes up over anything he was promising. Communication has been sparse in terms of our “friendship” and it usually ends up being a conversation with heavy sexual undertones.

One morning, I woke up way earlier than I usually do. As my eyesight was fuzzy from just waking up, I reached for my phone and noticed I had a couple of facebook messages. I thought “who in their right mind would text me this effing early?” Then I read the name, and shot up in my bed.

I wasn’t neither ready nor prepared to deal with what was said next.

On the Hockey Player’s Facebook page, there is one particular girl he’s always tagged in pictures with, and always hanging out. To my knowledge, I thought they were friends, but I kind of thought there might be more to it than meets the eye. I thought maybe there was an unrequited love, mostly her feeling it but he not feeling the same. There was also the possibility he flat out lied about the type of relationship he had with her.

She was the person that messaged me on Facebook, with an alarming first message:
“Hi, can you settle an argument for me? How big is [The Hockey Player’s] dick and how good is it to suck?”

You can imagine the shock I was in to shoot up straight in bed thinking “what.the.fuck”. The next message got even better:
“Don’t be afraid to answer. I know it all. This is [The Hockey Player’s] girlfriend whose house he’s been staying at and texting you from. I’m glad he wants to be a better friend to you. I hope he shows you more respect than he ever did me. Trust me I know he didn’t tell you and I don’t fault you. Sorry to put you in an awkward position…”

She said some other things, but I’ll get to the point.  I was so appalled, completely mind blown.  I thought I had him all figured out, I was taken aback by it. How…how could he lie to both of us and not even think about the consequences. I was so angry…but when it subsided I decided to respond to whatever she had said, and at least explain my side of the story.

Clearly, I had no idea she was a girlfriend, as there was never any mention of her besides a friend. The Hockey Player was a lot of things, selfish, twisted, manipulative, But he never came off as the cheating type.  Especially with the guilt he had when we first started, just sleeping with someone with no attachments, I never would’ve thought it would’ve been guilt that he was seeing someone else. He played me, he played me good.

I’m not even hurt, since I had ended things with him back in September, I had gotten over our “relationship” and moved on to better things. I was just pissed that there was another person involved. I sympathized with the girl…she expressed the exact same emotions and feelings I had in terms of how I felt with The Hockey Player: unappreciated, ignored, always being hurt by his selfishness. I told her I had been trying to end our relationship for the last 6 months, but that his self-loathing and self-pity made it difficult to make a clean break.

After my lengthy e-mail, she replied saying: “Thank you for your honest, I have to go, but we’ll chat later.” 

A few hours later, The Hockey Player texted me: “She is a fucking liar who gave me a place to stay and acts like I owe her a relationship as a result. Since you don’t care about what I say and believe a 42 year old was sleeping with me over what I’ve said I hope life treats you well.”

As I type this…I have no idea whose version of this story is right. She said some things that made sense. The Hockey Player never wanted to do anything in public with me, makes sense right? He had a girlfriend. It was the one insecurity I didn’t allow myself to have because, he didn’t seem like the type to lie about being in a relationship. But man if he really manipulated the both of us, he’s one damned good actor.

I’m not sure how their story will end; I just don’t want to have any part of it.  I think this was the clean break that was needed. I felt like his negativity was a poison and I had to get out. Thankfully I did; I just hope that girl realizes she needs to get out before it’s too late.

The Hockey Player, Part II

A few entries ago, I questioned my relationship with The Hockey Player. I wondered if it would be wrong to ask where we were headed.

Being abroad for the summer has been difficult since I decided to take a break from hooking up while out here.  I have needs, and wants but I thought this would be a good challenge since I haven’t had the best year in terms of FWB’s.

Recently the Hockey Player messaged me on Facebook because he was feeling a little horny.  But like in the before entry, his insecurities were brought up again.  He complained about his size and wanting to be bigger.  Really? In the middle of sexy talk, he says stuff like that…what girl wouldn’t be turned off.  I basically reached my limit.  I told him I wasn’t sure I could continue our “friendship” with him being like that.  I also brought up other issues…the fact we’d been together for two years, and it never moved outside of the bedroom, and also that for 2 years, I feel like he’s kept up a wall against me from getting to really know him.  I told him at first I didn’t mind, because I didn’t think it we would’ve lasted this long…..but considering that it has..I’m starting to question if it should be more.

I told him how I keep hoping things would get better, but they don’t seem to be, and that ..he should find himself so lucky that I put up with his BS when I do know a few other men that would gladly take his place and make sure I’m not under appreciated like I am right now with him.

He apologized and said he was done running from life, that he was sorry for shutting me out, but he’d been hurt so many times that it’s difficult for him. He asked for another chance for him to prove that he could change and be more open to me.  He kept saying all the things he wanted to do to prove it to me.

I basically left it at this, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

It’s boiled down to this.  If these were mere empty promises again, I have no choice but to leave. I’ve realized he’s pretty good at manipulating his words and the situation…I can’t fall victim to this anymore. I can’t keep holding on to something that’s not there. I shouldn’t settle for this.

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Ghosts of the past…

…they can haunt you forever.

In any Major Life Event that’s occurred for me, he just never ceases to surprise me.  Him being “B”, my ex.

I come home to the Bay Area for just 1.5 weeks, to spend time with my family as much as I can before I head out to Japan for the entire summer. 2 days after being back home, I get a call from some number I don’t know.  I don’t normally pick up these calls, because usually they’re solicitors.  After the caller goes to voicemail, they call right back again.  And I’m thinking, who in their right mind…..then my heart starts to race….no…it couldn’t be.  After the call goes to voicemail again, they actually leave a message.  I leave the living room, nervous..wondering…could it be…

“If this is still [elysium’s] number, could you please call me back…thanks”…that voice. I don’t think I could ever forget that voice. I hear it in my dreams, and it sounds so crystal clear.  His voice haunts me in my dreams, if things had been different…if only…if only.

I call the number back…but it’s another voice on the phone.  He’s playing his usual game, using someone else’s number so I don’t have his. Typical B. I tell the person that someone’s called me, and they say it’s their friend.  I ask, “Was it ‘B’? that called me?” he says, “yeah” so I say, “alright cool, just let him know I called back.”

I’m pretty much in shock that my initial thought was right.  My instincts, in relation to ‘B’ are usually right 99% of the time.

He calls me back in a couple of hours.  I’m hesitant to talk, but also ecstatic.  The past year I’ve missed him more than ever; my best friend, and number one supporter. I miss a lot of things about our relationship, but I know I can never have them back. It’s the reality of the situation.

We talk for a good 30 minutes. He says the same things he said 4 years ago.  It makes me feel bad that he’s held himself accountable and completely guilty for screwing up our 5 year relationship. Granted, we didn’t end on the best of terms, it wasn’t all his fault.  I can’t hold him solely accountable.  I had a hand in it also.  The most important idea tho is that: 1. I forgave myself for the mistakes I made and 2. I forgave him for the mistakes he had.  We were young, we were immature.  I can’t hold a grudge against that.

We caught up on each other’s lives, we thought maybe we should hang out and have dinner, but he never called again to confirm.  It’s probably for the best that it fell through.  I was really nervous about how that would go.  I had expected to look a little different the next time I saw him, and still plan on looking different if ever we can meet up and be friends again.

He said he was sorry. He basically implied that he ended up in the wrong place with the wrong person; that we should’ve been together, and that I should’ve been the one receiving the love and care that I deserved for unconditionally being there for him.  The thing is though, I still love him and care about him, but definitely not IN love.  If he said he needed help, I’d be the first one running.  What is it about First Loves that you can’t get over?

 

The Hockey Player

I’ve met a lot of guys online, and hooked up with a handful; but the hockey player has by far been my favorite He’s 3 years younger than me, and the first guy I’ve ever been with younger than me.

The hockey player and I have been seeing each other for about 2 years off and on.  It’s been a roller coaster ride; an UNNECESSARY roller coaster ride.  Sometimes I don’t know what to do about it.  It’s the first time I ever experienced what seems to be what most guys go through with females.  He says one thing but he really means another.  He constantly thinks size is an issue, but it’s not. I think his size is perfect, because his performance  is perfect. He thinks he’s never good enough for me, which can be annoying.  And once he even told me how fat he felt he had gotten since we first started seeing each other. Nothing I ever say, will ever convince him that he’s great the way he is. It’s a constant battle with him and his insecurities.

Half the time I’m not sure what he really wants from “us”.  I’m not expecting a relationship, I like what we have a hook-up situation.  But, what I really want is for us to start doing other things like getting dinner or going to a movie; a FWB.  He agrees to want that too, but hasn’t made the effort to want to do things like that.  Which is fine, I can live with that.

Last night I saw him again, and I can’t explain it, but sex with him just gets hotter and hotter every time.  I, honestly never ever let anyone go down on me.  For me, I feel almost too vulnerable and exposed.  I’ve only ever let one person in my life do it, the Ex.  The Hockey Player insisted he do it, so I let him.  I almost forgot how good oral feels, and he was really good at it. Ugh, now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Like I stated, 2 years ago we started seeing each other.  He doesn’t know about other people I’ve seen, except for RB. And everytime I’ve seen someone else, its during one of his dramatic episodes where he “doesn’t want to have anything to do with me”…but always a few months after that, he comes around.  Kind of funny, I feel like I’m going through the same things I did with my ex. Except i’m a little more detached.

Speaking of detachment, that might not be entirely true.  2 years is a long time to be sleeping with the same person.  I care about him and like him for more than just the sex, and if it became more than this I wouldn’t be entirely against it.  Currently, I’ve stopped looking at fling and adultfriendfinder just because like i said in my post about RB my ego was hurt, and I haven’t fully been able to bounce back from it.  I’m taking it easy, and really just want to concentrate on The Hockey Player, even if we only get to see each other once a month or every other month.

I find him to be worth the wait in between sessions, and I really just enjoy spending time with him hearing him talk and just hanging out.  I find it comfortable.  I just wish we made more of an effort to do more stuff like that.

Would it be so wrong for me to have that discussion with him about where we’re headed?

RB

RB is one of my latest adventures. Fun, but shortlived. He was my ideal FWB; wanted to hang out and spend time together, but also tease each other to the point we’d rip each other’s clothes off by the time we got home. The main thing that got me was the fact we’d spend time together outside of the bedroom. That seems to be an issue most guys I’ve slept with have a hard time understanding.

But of course there is no such thing as perfection. Our downfall was our lack of sexual chemistry. I’ve had my share of awkward sex, but this took the cake. Never have I been so out of sync in rhythm during sex, especially when I rode him, and never have I EVER had to use lube for your run of the mill missionary position.

He just couldn’t get me wet, because when I get wet, I get soaked. And the easiest thing to do to get me soaked is give me a good makeout session. I also never have had a problem keeping a man hard. He seemed to lack in performance with me, which he claims has never happened to him. He had a hard time keeping it up, and often during sex would completely lose his erection. For awhile, I felt like it was my fault, my doing. I had tried different oral techniques and hand techniques, but nothing worked. I had to learn to accept that I had no fault in his biology.

We saw each other for a month, in hopes things would work out the harder that we tried. But it worked against us, the more we tried the more frustrated and unsatisfied we were. I felt really conflicted, I knew it wasn’t working, but kept hoping it’d get better…but

What really killed me was that I had actually grown to really care about him as a friend. I felt torn because, normally if things were unsatisfying in the bedroom, I would just move on to the next. But the fact that we had connected and bonded as friends, I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Luckily I worded it well enough that we still remain friends after the fact.

It’s good to know, that with each encounter I’m learning to deal with things like this in a much more mature manner than running away, ignoring calls and text messages.

I’ve learned that communicating is KEY, and that I communicate very well.

Still, I masturbate till I cum over and over while thinking about him from time to time.
At least part of our FWB relationship lives on.

David

It was a few months after the breakup with B when I had signed up for the site, AdultFriendFinder. I was 22 when I met David. David was a 32 year old male from Sacramento. He literally looked like Paul Walker. And seriously, what woman hadn’t fantasized about sleeping with that man? Sacramento was over an hour away, and being sheltered at the time, I didn’t think it would be possible for me to drive over there for a quickie and head back right away. David and I were attracted to one another and definitely started to get attached. I had to remind myself of the experiment at hand, and try to just hook up with him.

So we video chatted every day. I would wear lingere for him and pose provocatively on the camera. I admit, in reality, I’m a very reserved girl that’s pretty self-conscious about her looks. I don’t ever feel pretty enough or beautiful enough or even thin enough as I’m a little on the thicker side. But sometimes, talking and flirting with all these people and seeing how much I turn them on has slowly turned around my twisted self-view. I may not be super model skinny, but at least I’m on the road of accepting the curves I was given and embracing the fact that most men would rather have curves over stick thin women.

Finally David and I got a chance to meet. I had a late night class, and he was somewhat in the area, so we met at a public place after my class had ended. I was nervous. It was my first time meeting someone off this site, and on top of that he was 10 years older than me. When we met, we mostly had a conversation, and really got to know each other. I was still in recovery mode from my break up with B, naturally I ended up talking more about him than anything else. I am thankful that David was so sweet and such a gentleman about the situation at hand.

We ended up having a full-blown make-out session combined with a lot of touching and groping. But, I wasn’t ready for it. As much as I really wanted to fuck his brains out, I just couldn’t do it. I pulled away, and told him that I just couldn’t go through with it just yet. I didn’t want David to just be a rebound, but I also wasn’t looking for a new relationship either. I just wanted to be emotionally and mentally stable before jumping into these situations.

I’ve lost contact with him over the years, especially since I relocated to LA from SF. But coincidently, I logged into my plenty of fish account, and saw him listed under “members nearby”. I looked at his pictures, and confirmed that it in fact was him. I sent him a message saying that I remembered him, and asked if he had really relocated to the LA area. I still would sleep with him….we may have met years ago, but he was definitely someone I would’ve liked to fuck just to know what he was like.

Unfortunately, David didn’t respond. Either he didn’t want to talk to me ever again, or someone stole those pictures of him and used it on a fake profile…like that documentary and now mtv tv show “Catfish”.

I’m a firm believer in that we meet people for a reason. I’m thankful that David was my first offline encounter. He made the idea of meeting people offline less overwhelming. Granted, not every man I have met since has been as sweet as he was, but he was a good introductory into this new lifestyle I was about to embark on.