Ghosts of the past…

…they can haunt you forever.

In any Major Life Event that’s occurred for me, he just never ceases to surprise me.  Him being “B”, my ex.

I come home to the Bay Area for just 1.5 weeks, to spend time with my family as much as I can before I head out to Japan for the entire summer. 2 days after being back home, I get a call from some number I don’t know.  I don’t normally pick up these calls, because usually they’re solicitors.  After the caller goes to voicemail, they call right back again.  And I’m thinking, who in their right mind…..then my heart starts to race….no…it couldn’t be.  After the call goes to voicemail again, they actually leave a message.  I leave the living room, nervous..wondering…could it be…

“If this is still [elysium’s] number, could you please call me back…thanks”…that voice. I don’t think I could ever forget that voice. I hear it in my dreams, and it sounds so crystal clear.  His voice haunts me in my dreams, if things had been different…if only…if only.

I call the number back…but it’s another voice on the phone.  He’s playing his usual game, using someone else’s number so I don’t have his. Typical B. I tell the person that someone’s called me, and they say it’s their friend.  I ask, “Was it ‘B’? that called me?” he says, “yeah” so I say, “alright cool, just let him know I called back.”

I’m pretty much in shock that my initial thought was right.  My instincts, in relation to ‘B’ are usually right 99% of the time.

He calls me back in a couple of hours.  I’m hesitant to talk, but also ecstatic.  The past year I’ve missed him more than ever; my best friend, and number one supporter. I miss a lot of things about our relationship, but I know I can never have them back. It’s the reality of the situation.

We talk for a good 30 minutes. He says the same things he said 4 years ago.  It makes me feel bad that he’s held himself accountable and completely guilty for screwing up our 5 year relationship. Granted, we didn’t end on the best of terms, it wasn’t all his fault.  I can’t hold him solely accountable.  I had a hand in it also.  The most important idea tho is that: 1. I forgave myself for the mistakes I made and 2. I forgave him for the mistakes he had.  We were young, we were immature.  I can’t hold a grudge against that.

We caught up on each other’s lives, we thought maybe we should hang out and have dinner, but he never called again to confirm.  It’s probably for the best that it fell through.  I was really nervous about how that would go.  I had expected to look a little different the next time I saw him, and still plan on looking different if ever we can meet up and be friends again.

He said he was sorry. He basically implied that he ended up in the wrong place with the wrong person; that we should’ve been together, and that I should’ve been the one receiving the love and care that I deserved for unconditionally being there for him.  The thing is though, I still love him and care about him, but definitely not IN love.  If he said he needed help, I’d be the first one running.  What is it about First Loves that you can’t get over?

 

Rain

A few years back, when I was attending UC Santa Cruz, I would love the rain.  The rain meant snuggling with the person that meant the most to me at the time. “B” (that’s what I’ll refer to him as) was and is one of the most influential men in my life.  Not only was he the first person I’d ever been with and loved, but if it wasn’t for him, I definitely would be a much different person than I am today.  I would’ve still been dependent on other people to do things, in Santa Cruz, I would never have left my dorm room alone, unless I was going to class. I always had to be with someone if I went downtown or to the dining hall.  My ex encouraged my independence, and also encouraged me to question authority more vocally if I didn’t agree.  It didn’t necessarily mean to rebel, but there were a lot of things between my parents and I that I necessarily didn’t agree with.

I met my ex online as well.  B and I met through Friendster, and he was the first person I’d met offline.  It was totally nerve-wracking, but I managed to have impressed him enough for him to text me the next morning.  That was day 1 of 5 years together. Our relationship taught me so much in those  5 years…more than I could have ever imagined.

Looking back at it now, I think that the both of us realized that we were too young for our relationship.  We both wanted to be so serious, but at the same time we couldn’t really be serious, we were still fairly young.  Our 5 year relationship spanned between the ages of 18-23.   We were on the verge of getting engaged. the prior 4 years that was all I had thought about, but when he was finally on the same page as me in year 5. I panicked.  I was just about to start getting serious about the major I had chosen, meaning I still had a possibility of relocating to go to a better school.  I wasn’t sure how our relationship would’ve been able to handle that….in the end we split.  He left me, and ended up down another road that no longer could parallel mine.  He had gotten someone pregnant, and out of responsibility he married her.

The fateful day he called me to tell me the news, I was in a state of shock, but that subsided and became devastation.  The love of my life, my soulmate…he and I could no longer be together. ever.

So once in awhile, in my melancholy state of mind…brought on by cold nights and rainy days, I lay in my bed thinking about the love that could’ve been, that should’ve been.

That’s when I start to question what I’m doing with my current love life.  Am I just filling the void of love with sex?