The Hockey Player

I’ve met a lot of guys online, and hooked up with a handful; but the hockey player has by far been my favorite He’s 3 years younger than me, and the first guy I’ve ever been with younger than me.

The hockey player and I have been seeing each other for about 2 years off and on.  It’s been a roller coaster ride; an UNNECESSARY roller coaster ride.  Sometimes I don’t know what to do about it.  It’s the first time I ever experienced what seems to be what most guys go through with females.  He says one thing but he really means another.  He constantly thinks size is an issue, but it’s not. I think his size is perfect, because his performance  is perfect. He thinks he’s never good enough for me, which can be annoying.  And once he even told me how fat he felt he had gotten since we first started seeing each other. Nothing I ever say, will ever convince him that he’s great the way he is. It’s a constant battle with him and his insecurities.

Half the time I’m not sure what he really wants from “us”.  I’m not expecting a relationship, I like what we have a hook-up situation.  But, what I really want is for us to start doing other things like getting dinner or going to a movie; a FWB.  He agrees to want that too, but hasn’t made the effort to want to do things like that.  Which is fine, I can live with that.

Last night I saw him again, and I can’t explain it, but sex with him just gets hotter and hotter every time.  I, honestly never ever let anyone go down on me.  For me, I feel almost too vulnerable and exposed.  I’ve only ever let one person in my life do it, the Ex.  The Hockey Player insisted he do it, so I let him.  I almost forgot how good oral feels, and he was really good at it. Ugh, now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Like I stated, 2 years ago we started seeing each other.  He doesn’t know about other people I’ve seen, except for RB. And everytime I’ve seen someone else, its during one of his dramatic episodes where he “doesn’t want to have anything to do with me”…but always a few months after that, he comes around.  Kind of funny, I feel like I’m going through the same things I did with my ex. Except i’m a little more detached.

Speaking of detachment, that might not be entirely true.  2 years is a long time to be sleeping with the same person.  I care about him and like him for more than just the sex, and if it became more than this I wouldn’t be entirely against it.  Currently, I’ve stopped looking at fling and adultfriendfinder just because like i said in my post about RB my ego was hurt, and I haven’t fully been able to bounce back from it.  I’m taking it easy, and really just want to concentrate on The Hockey Player, even if we only get to see each other once a month or every other month.

I find him to be worth the wait in between sessions, and I really just enjoy spending time with him hearing him talk and just hanging out.  I find it comfortable.  I just wish we made more of an effort to do more stuff like that.

Would it be so wrong for me to have that discussion with him about where we’re headed?